We have all been anxiously awaiting the arrival of our precious new baby! About three weeks prior to the due date we informed the kiddos that the baby "could" come at any time now. So every single night the kids (especially Samuel) would say: maybe this is the night! Oh I hope that this is the night that the baby comes! And believe me, I was wishing and hoping that each of those nights would be THE night as well!
Here I am with the last pregnancy pic that I took:
About 39 weeks
Here we've reached the 40 week mark and there's no baby yet!
For the first time ever, I reached my due date Sunday - 12/14/14 - only to have it slip past as though it were any other insignificant day in history. This was a very hard weekend for me emotionally. I wanted this baby here so badly! I was absolutely done being pregnant and I just wanted this baby out of my belly and into my arms! I spent lots and lots of time walking around the neighborhood with Tim and the kids. Lots of time in my bedroom crying and willing labor to start while Tim took care of everyone downstairs. I would go to be each night thinking...maybe this is the night! And then when I woke in the morning and it wasn't I would feel like I was NEVER going to go into labor!
It's so ridiculous, I kept telling myself. Of course you are going to go into labor! You always have before and you will this time too. It was just so strange to know that I had no control over it and it would at any moment just miraculously begin!
I woke up Monday morning with a renewed resolve to embrace however many days I was still pregnant. It took a lot of will, but I constantly talked to myself about how everything would be ok... I truly understand now when women say that every day past your due date feels like a year. As the days went on though, and we crept closer and closer to Christmas it was hard to keep my nerves down. But I kept telling myself that a baby born on any day is a miracle and if we end up having a Christmas baby we will learn how to share that day!
That was not to be though....I went to bed Thursday night 12/18/14 around 11pm. Woke at Midnight with my first contraction. Hmmm....I wondered...could this be it? Better not get too excited though. Let's just see what comes. I tried to fall back asleep knowing that if this WAS the start of labor I was going to need as much sleep as I could get. I laid in bed until about 2 in the morning though with contractions every ten minutes. I was never able to rest in between because I was too excited to be tired. At this point I decided to go downstairs. The contractions were far apart, but hard enough that I had to stand to get through them and in typical "what Audrey does in labor" fashion I didn't want to disturb Tim. I also have an intense desire to be alone during the early stages of labor. It's really only once I'm ready to call the midwife that I'm really ready to be around anyone else.
I stayed awake the entire night monitoring contractions that were fairly intense but never got closer than ten minutes apart. Tim came down a couple of times in the middle of the night. I told him what was going on, but that I also wanted to be alone. Grant woke at 6am and was excited when I told him what was happening. At this point the contractions FINALLY started getting closer together! For an entire hour and a half they were 5 minutes apart! During this time Lillie and Grant agonized over whether to attend school or not. On any other day there would be no question, but this was the last day of school before Christmas. Grant had a Kinder Christmas musical performance and they both had Christmas parties. Lillie finally decided to stay home and Grant opted for school. Samuel never questioned it. It was baby day and he was going to be here for it!
So around 7:30 I called Cindy who after I told her how contractions had been said that she was pegging me to need her around 10am. NOOO!!!! I thought. This was such a blow to my fragile, tired, been up all night brain.
- With Lillie I had started contractions around 10am and she was born at 10 at night. (12 hours)
- With Samuel my contractions started at 2am and he was born a little before 8am. (6 hours)
- With Grant contractions began around 8pm and he was born a little before 2am. (6 hours)
Labors are supposed to get shorter and easier! This was my 4th baby - He was supposed to just slip right out! I mean seriously, for a week or two I had been prepping myself to catch him, or at the very least that Tim or my mom would catch him. But really, while I wanted Cindy and Alisa there, my mind had prepped itself that this labor would be so quick and so easy that they wouldn't really have time to arrive. Oh.....that was just...not. the. case. You just never know with labor and delivery, you just never know.
Ok, so back to the big blow to my fragile and tired state. "10am?" I questioned? "Yep, 10 sounds about right". No! My brain screamed. We are 7 1/2 hours into this. I mean, I know it hasn't gotten that hard yet, but what is my body up to? At the very least he should have been here an hour and a half ago! But "OK" is what I calmly replied into the phone. And then my contractions got lame on me and immediately went back to 10-15 minutes apart. (Weirdly they never really got closer together than that until it was time to push - at least not to my recollection.)
My wonderful mom showed up. Tim got the kids to school, came back to check on me, then, seeing the contractions weren't that crazy he went to the school to watch Grant's performance. (That wonderful, wonderful man also filmed it for me. I had been so sad to miss it! I mean, 2 weeks previous I had even arranged childcare for the new baby so that I would be able to see it but not take the new baby into the cold. That was laughable now!) A little while later Laura showed up as well.
I laid around and talked to people, got up during contractions to work through them, Lillie and Samuel wandered in and out of the room, Tim came back, Cindy shows up at 10. Then the contractions got hard. Finally! They were still only about 10 minutes apart though. On one hand this was frustrating since I kept thinking c'mon, c'mon get closer together so we can get a move on. On the other hand, at this point I had been up for well over 24 hours so it was nice to have a long break.
According to my recollection - which might not be super accurate ;) - Alisa showed up around noon-ish. Each contraction was hard now. I was having to moan and groan to get through them. Each time one would come I would pop up from the bed to stand in front of my night stand. I'd put my hands on that little table, bend over, rock my hips back and forth, moan and groan, and look at my notes that I had made - reading the thought out sentences of encouragement. Through them I would strive to completely surrender - remembering in a midwife appointment Cindy had made an offhand comment to Alisa that she thought the women who surrendered to the primal nature of birth tended to birth more quickly and easily. Anything to get this baby out faster!!! I would think to myself - You can do this - your body has done this before and it can do it again - not only CAN your body do this, it was MADE to do this - billions of women have done this before you, it will eventually be over. For the first labor ever it did not feel good to have Tim rub my back during contractions. I wanted Cindy or Alisa. That was it. They would lightly lay their hands on the top of my back, stroke downwards and say some sort of magical calming words about pebbles, or drops of water??? that gave me focus and pulled me through. The right person with the right words to say, have enormous power.
Cindy and Alisa, you were the BEST!
You were my beacon of light at the end of each contraction.
You gave me focus and pulled me through each time!
Here's Samuel watching me from his front row seat.
The one and only contraction that I allowed mom to help me through
I feel so rude saying this, but I want to remember it because it's an important lesson I have learned on how to help others during hard and/or painful situations. I love my mother dearly. She gave me life and sacrificed so, so very much to give me a beautiful childhood and a very blessed adulthood. She is there for me and my family whenever I need her and I cherish the fact that she could share in the birth of my three boys. But, she is NOT the person to help me through contractions. Like I said before, the right person with the right words to say during a contraction have enormous power. I know that she felt so badly for me and wanted to help me through this. Even wanted to take away the pain if she could! But Alisa and Cindy were doing something - not sure what - during this contraction so my mom came over and put her hands on me the same way. But what she said to talk me through the contraction was "I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this! I know how hard this is and I am so, so sorry!" That was... the hardest contraction of the entire labor. I wanted to scream at her "GET AWAY FROM ME!!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!" Those words made the pain SO much more intense! I stayed quiet and I believe just kind of shook her off of me with a grunt and shoulder shake towards the end. I don't remember if I said anything or if Cindy and Alisa picked up on my feelings, but I don't recall her helping me through anymore. (I love you mom, so much!)
Ah, sweet bliss! (Well as blissful as you can be during a contraction) I have my lady back!
Ha Ha Ha! Alisa captured this on her phone and we all just could not stop laughing about it later!
I don't think these two kids even knew that this was a birthing stool or what they were doing but it was just too funny that it looked like Lillie was "delivering" Samuel :)
So, I was in a rhythm...bed, tub, bed, tub. I had gotten to 9 cm but we just could not make it to ten. That bag of waters was bulging and I wanted so badly for them to break it. I believe it was between 1 and 2pm. Cindy told me that once we broke the water it was going to get super intense and it would be time to push. Soooo I backed off of that idea for a bit. Ok, WAIT! I said. I gotta think about this for a minute...wrap my head around it. It's one thing for that intensity to come naturally, completely another to choose it! I recall taking about 30 minutes and finally just saying ok, let's do this.
Water gets broken aaaaaaand......
nothing. These poor kids were so bored. :(
More contractions - Alisa kept checking me saying "you are so close to 10cm.
There's just a little lip left there." Oh how I hated that little lip...
More contractions...
More boredom...
Here I'm telling Alisa "I just don't think I can do this"
(She told me later that at this point she knew that something was up. Things just should have been going much faster than they were. He was just such a big baby and apparently, he was stuck! Also had the cord wrapped around his neck.My mom said later that she saw the midwife pull it over his head and it was pulled so taught she thought it would snap!
Good thing those things are so strong and that midwives know what they are doing!)
I just remember feeling so, so tired. I had been up the entire day before, all night laboring, and now we were well into the afternoon. I remember feeling like I was on a freight train careening uncontrollably down a never ending hill and I just wanted a break! I wanted to pause time and just STOP. I felt like if I could just rest for an hour or two then we could get back to business. It's a terrible feeling to know that this pain is not going to stop. It doesn't matter how tired you are, or how much you hate it, or fear it. It will Just. Keep. Coming. I felt so out of control, because I was. I was wearing down mentally. I don't think I have ever been so tired in my life.
They kept asking me, "do you feel the urge to push?" I don't know, did I? For the first labor ever I did not recognized the urge to push. It never came on strongly. I wanted to push and so I did. I tried the tub. Hell. The birthing stool. Oh. My. Living. Hell. How could I have ever thought that this was a comfortable way to get Grant out! A side lie on the bed. Back to the tub, back to the birthing stool. Agony!!! I'd give a few pushes in each place and they just felt so unproductive!
So Alisa suggests laying on my back in my bed. What?!!? Do you mean lay down in the position that natural birthing techniques say is the worst position? The least productive way to get a baby out? Good for the Doctor but bad for the mom? I mean, I had spent years saying that I could not believe how women could ever stand to lay on their back without drugs and push a baby out. But I tried it. Because if there is one thing that I am good at, it is listening to my midwife while I'm in labor. I trust them implicitly. So I lay on my back. And whadaya know, I start to make progress!
The pushing just felt so good in a terrible I'm-going-die kind of way. But in truth, I welcome the pushing. It is more intense but less terrible than the contractions before the pushing. Maybe because all that terrible pressure is so bad I can't even focus on the pain of the contraction. And I hate that contraction pain. When I'm pushing I know that the end is coming. Kind of. Every time someone would say that they saw the head I just couldn't believe it. I forgot that a baby was coming! In all seriousness I did. I had been working so hard, for so long, and I just wanted it to be over. It was hard to remember that there was a reason for all of the hard work.
But alas, they told me a baby was coming and I did all that I could to believe them! I was so tired, so determined, in so much pain and so ready for it to be over. I am so terrible with words. I wish that I wasn't because I want to capture for myself - for my memory - how perfectly, terribly, awful it is to be lying there dreading the next contraction - that you know is coming no matter what - and at the same time hoping for it because it brings you that much closer to the end. I want to remember it because while it is awful, terrible beyond belief, it is also other worldly. It's this place in between this life and our previous one where, as I have experienced, the veil is a little bit thinner. It is filled with so much feeling. And while there are others in the room, they are all having the same experience as each other. You are having a completely different one. They are all waiting for you to do the work. Encouraging you in it. Hoping for the end and it's beautiful reward. But you are DOING the work. You want the end and your reward more than anyone. No one can know what you are feeling - not even women who have given birth without pain medication - because no matter how much you remember the intensity of the pain and the despair, and the work, and the tiredness, and the love...you begin to forget it by degrees the moment that it is over. In those moments of labor you are completely alone in what you are experiencing and it is...sacred.
So in this spot is supposed to be the picture of Isaac's head coming out. It's somewhat graphic but not too much in my opinion. But then I remembered that this is a blog, not just a blog book that I print for my family and many people have permission to see it. I decided that no matter how cool I thought the memory was, I really didn't want blog readers, my dad, future son in laws, etc. seeing that part of me... You're welcome whoever is reading this!
(Here's the caption though...)
So is this the Ring of Fire!?!?
A little side note - Each and every time - 4 times now - that I get to the point of the ring of fire where the doctor or midwife has instructed me not to push but only pant to help the head be born - I know this will sound weird - but I love it. Not in a this feels so great kind of way, because it absolutely doesn't. It's just that it is the first moment since labor got hard that it becomes so real and clear to me that labor is actually about to be over. And it is so friggin' unbelievable. I don't believe it will ever end when they tell me I'm 8 or 9 or 10 cm. I don't believe it will ever end when I'm pushing because let's be real - you never know how long you'll end up pushing - I don't even believe it when I look in the mirror and see that weird purpl-ish head play peek a boo in the birth canal. But when I feel that fire and the midwife says those sweet, sweet words - don't push, just pant - I know that the end is so very, very close. I welcome it. I embrace it.
Lillie was right there on the bed with Cindy and Alisa the entire time. My 10 year old daughter took care of me and her brothers so often for the last nine months. She made me tea and food, rubbed my feet, took care of the boys while I slept all day, made them food, got everyone to clean up, understood when I couldn't do all of the things that I usually could, or was too tired at night to cuddle her and read a story. That amazing little woman sat a foot away from me, watched me struggle to bring her brother into this world and held a mirror up the entire time so I could watch him come out. And she helped to catch him! (She said later that it was cool but also gross and slippery and she put him on my tummy and wiped her hands as fast as she could. Well, she is STILL a 10 year old kid after all :)
Backing up a bit to the whole pushing him out situation... His head comes out and I am expecting that sweet relief. The hard part should be over!!!! I don't know why I thought this. You would think after my last delivery where Grant's shoulder was stuck I would have been prepared and apprehensive for this moment. Why oh why am I still stretched beyond belief?!?
Everything is still... Waiting for the next contraction.... Push.... nothing. Three agonizing minutes of nothing. They later tell me that a baby's head can be out for seven minutes before brain damage begins. There is a flurry of activity on the bed as Alisa and Cindy switch places. Their voices warning me of what is to come I think but my brain is doing something to protect itself from the pain and intensity. I was in another world. Present, but not present. Listening to them to know what to do, doing what my body says I should, but another part of my brain has retreated to it's own quiet little corner. I'm experiencing quiet and loud at the same time. Listen to their instructions Audrey..."Stay extremely still. Push but do not move anything else no matter how badly you want to." Baby in me, three separate hands in me, swirling, twisting, yanking, screaming in my head, screaming out loud, pushing with all my might, keeping my body as still as I can to protect that little baby from the harm I would do if I kicked Alisa and pushed her away like every instinct was telling me to. And he's out. He's out! Oh here is my sweet relief!
Free at last, free at last, God Almighty I am FREE AT LAST! It is truly something to be delivered of your child.
And it's a boy! They put this beautiful little creature on me and I am so beyond tired, and so blissful that it is over. I truly did not ever think it would be over. But the baby is off of me in the next second. He is not breathing. He is there though. His wide dark blue eyes calmly blinking at his new world but no breaths are entering or exiting his little form. The midwives, my beautiful midwives! They set right to work. Calmly, quickly, proficiently. They know just what to do. It was a surreal feeling, looking at this little baby lying next to me receiving his first breaths from a miniature oxygen tank, mask over his face. I sacrificed so much this past nine months to build this little baby. You would think I would be terrified to see him lying there, not breathing. No. Not terrified. Just two feelings. Relief that it's over, and calm knowing that the midwives will make everything better. Because of course there is no possible way on this earth that I could have just gone through 9 months of work and heartache to lose the very thing I have been working for. I know that I should have felt terrified. But I don't think my brain was capable of switching from one intense experience to a completely different one. My emotions were spent. They were incapable of anything except relief for myself. Besides, everyone else in the room was worried enough for him. And after only a tiny bit, he was breathing on his own and let out some gorgeous lusty cries. Looking back on it, it's truly understandable that he needed help breathing. He had been through quite a lot for such a tiny little person. It was a rather traumatic delivery and certainly not the one that I had been prepared for.
He's here!
Isaac Pearce Doolittle
12/19/14
4:31pm
A whopping 9lbs 10oz!
(Look at that poor little purple head)
And our cord connecting us was proudly cut by his brother Samuel!
So,so happy to have him laying here on me!
I've never had a little one score low on the APGAR before. I think he got a 3 or 4? Whatever it was my mom the NICU nurse later told me...I'm not sure I would have even given him that!...He was pretty sad looking. Fortunately he perked up quick. If there's one thing I'm good at it's building big, beautiful, lusty, healthy babies, and 24 hours later you would never know he had been a limp, lazy little guy. Less than 24 hours old and he was lifting his head for several seconds at a time, had great tone, beautiful breathing, excellent heart beats, and gorgeous color. Oh, and nursing like a champ! Poor guy just got a rough entrance into this world.
The entire birthing crew minus Samuel. (Oh, and Grant had been very excited for the baby's arrival but when he came home from school he walked into the room, checked me out, and promptly headed downstairs to play the computer. I think my groaning and pushing was a little much for him!)
L to R:
Laura, Grammy, Tim, Lillie and Isaac, Mom, Cindy Lockhart, Alisa Voss-Godfrey
His first two weeks were pure bliss! Christmas was coming but prepared mama had already taken care of every last detail. Tim was off of work, kiddos were out of school. Tim took care of absolutely everything, and without ever showing me any signs that he was stressed. Only that he was happy to be taking care of our little family. It was such a huge blessing. My days were filled with resting in bed - cuddling and nursing baby Isaac - hanging out with all four kiddos on the bed because no one could get enough of Isaac - break time for mom and dad when Grammy and Grandad had the three big kids over for a couple of days - venturing downstairs for Christmas Eve and Christmas - lazily enjoying a beautiful Christmas season focusing on the precious gift of our Savior Jesus Christ - recognizing how terribly blessed that I am to be able to recover like this.
Having a baby so near to Christmas has been one of the most sacred and beautiful experiences of my life. To hold this precious infant in my arms for hours each day - holding him and imagining Mary holding Jesus - it gave new meaning to me. I felt so grateful to our Father in Heaven for sending His Son to earth to live for us and die for us. As I held Isaac I grew more and more in love with him as the minutes past. I love those first couple of weeks with a new baby. When nothing else gets in my way or clouds my world. It's simple. I am not interested in tv, or other people, or facebook posts, or getting things done, or politics, or world news. It's just me, my baby, my family, and focus on this new little life the world has been given. This new little life that I have been given to nurture and to raise. In that time I desire nothing more than to hold this precious baby, gaze into his eyes, stroke his sweet furry little face, marvel at the tiny-ness of his features, and recognize how the bond between a mother and child grows so very, very strong.
Cuddling with Daddy, at night after the big kids have gone to bed.
Lovin' him some pinky finger!
This was us for HOURS each day! I was so thrilled to have
a baby again I didn't desire anything beyond his company.
Grammy with all four of her grandkiddos
S is such a tenderhearted little boy. He is so sweet with Isaac an worries about him so much
L, as predicted, has turned into his 2nd mommy.
She is already a master at diaper changing and cuddling.
Baby's 1st Christmas
Venturing downstairs to be with everyone was the highlight of mine and baby's day!
When I was in bed so was this girl. She wanted to be wherever Isaac was!
G has very gracefully given up the slot of youngest child.
For the first day he wasn't very interested in Isaac. He'd just sort of peek in on him and then run away to do his own things. But he warmed up to him after about 24 hours and loves to hold him for a minute or two at a time before running away to one of his many great adventures.
Amazingly there was room for me to squeeze in here too when I'm not snapping a picture of them.
What a lucky woman I am!
My 3 Boys
Trying to prepare for what we thought was the inevitable jaundice...
but it was not to be! Our first baby ever to not only not have terrible, long lasting jaundice, but to not have even the slightest hint of it! Isaac you have surprised us at every turn!
Isaac Pearce Doolittle, we love you beyond what words are capable of expressing. We are so blessed to have you and so glad that you have come to complete our family!
